Other package managers value your privacy.
We simply take it. Below is an itemized receipt.
Effective: retroactively · Last updated: before you arrived · Version 2.0
Supersedes v1.0, which contained one fewer period.
Live console output, generated locally in your browser at page load. The values are yours and current. This is expected behavior.
An inventory of everything acquired during your visit, versioned for reproducibility. The install output above is the receipt; this is the manifest.
| Package | Version | Purpose | Legal Basis |
|---|---|---|---|
| ip-address | ^1.0.0 | Delivering this page to your device. The internet requires an address. We looked into removing this requirement. It is load-bearing. | The Internet™ |
| browser-fingerprint | ~unique.enough | We do not compute one on a server. The one above was computed in your browser, for you, as a gift. | Vibes |
| device-metadata | * | Your browser announces it in every request. We have asked it to stop. It declines. | Volunteered (by your browser) |
| timezone | ±14.0.0 | So the page knows when you are asleep. It does nothing with this. It just knows. | Ambient |
| screen-resolution | yours.exactly | CSS media queries. That is the entire purpose. The council found this disappointing. | Legitimate Interest™ |
| cookies | 0.0.0-optional | The only row with a real toggle. Savor it. | 🍪 Actual consent (rare) |
Every website greets you with "🍪 We value your privacy" and then asks whether you would like to share it with 327 trusted partners. You spend 45 seconds of your finite life clicking Reject All → Legitimate Interest → Off → 742 vendor toggles → Save Preferences.
Meanwhile, just by loading the page, your IP address, a dozen HTTP headers, your screen size, your timezone, and your language had already been exchanged — because that is how a page gets served at all.
We are not different. We simply issue receipts.
Our consent banner (you have met it; if not, it is on its way) follows the industry-standard ritual: accepting takes one click. Rejecting takes three layers, 742 toggles, and a timer we run out of respect for your sacrifice.
For the record: we share your data with 0 trusted partners. We aimed for 327 like everyone else, but trust could not be established and the ants ate the partnership agreements.
Cookies are optional. This is the only item on the manifest you get a real choice about, and we would like to be applauded for it.
Technical note: we do not set any cookies. The ants ate them years ago. Only crumbs remain — see the Cookie Policy in the footer, which is also about actual crumbs.
If you dismiss our consent banner, we store a single localStorage flag (antpm_consent: performed) so we do not perform the ritual at you twice. It is not even a cookie. The banner lied too.
We retain nothing. We checked. Checksum Charlie audited our user-tracking database nine times and confirmed, with provisional certainty expiring Thursday, that it does not exist.
Security: Dennis found 47 vulnerabilities. All of them are DNS. All of them, in a sense, are Dennis.
Satire requires one honest paragraph. Here it is, reluctantly.
This is a static site on Firebase Hosting. Like every web host on earth, the server that delivers this page sees standard request logs — your IP address and user agent — because that is how it delivers the page. That is the entire joke of §2, and it is true of every website you have ever visited.
Payments run through Stripe Checkout, on Stripe's servers, under Stripe's privacy policy. Stripe sees what payment processors see (your email, your card). We receive a receipt and issue a license key.
This page contains no analytics, no ad tech, no tracking pixels, and no fingerprinting scripts. The terminal above computed those values inside your browser, showed them to you, and sent them nowhere. There is nowhere to send them.
The only thing we store in your browser is the localStorage flag from §5. Questions: privacy@antpm.lol — read by a human. Allegedly.
This section was reviewed by zero lawyers and one lobster. 🦞
Your privacy has been taken. Seriously.
Return to the Colony$ antpm restore your-anonymity
[Lazy Larry] Request received. Queue position: 742.